Hey, I’m Dr. Kevin Skinner. Thank you for taking time to ask your question here on brighter mornings. Your question is how can I grieve effectively when I didn’t get a chance to due to COVID-19? Man, I’ll tell you, this is one of those questions that we’re getting more and more of because COVID-19 has made it so we can’t go visit parents. We can’t go into care centers hospitals and it is a very common question. So I’m so grateful that you asked this question and let me just give you three or four ideas that I recommend to my clients when they struggle with that in opportunity to say goodbye, whether that’s COVID related or not.

So the first thing that I tell my clients is to consider this phase of loss as a time to grieve. And that often means that we want to give the loss meaning and openly talk about in your own writing or allow to somebody, a friend, a loved one, how you felt about your loved one. So concept number one is we want to make sure that we give me meaning to this loss and that could be done through writing or talking it out.

Number two, as you go through that, writing or talking about what would you want to have done finish in your mind, what you wish you could have done, but was not able to, because of COVID-19. What would I want to have said, what would have, I want to have done as a way to show my appreciation or love or gratitude for the life of that loved one.

The third part, now that you’ve given it a voice you’ve done, some of them said some of the things you’ve wanted to say is take time to specifically focus on the hurt and the loss that you have had. And what that might sound is I felt like I didn’t get to say goodbye. And I feel what give a language to your hurt, to your feelings and what really, what that means is at this point, you might have had experiences and emotions that make you overwhelmingly sad.

Give those feelings a voice. In other words, we’re going to now pay attention to your emotions, loss, sorrow, maybe anger. They too need an expression.

So now we’re going to turn our attention to the emotions you’ve been writing. You’ve been talking, I’ve been doing things to that you would like to have said, but now we’re going to pay attention to your emotions. What are the deeper wounds in our hurts that you’re feeling?

And finally, the fourth part. Anytime we grieve. It’s important that we don’t judge what we feel or think or what your, or how even how your body’s responding. Some people lose weight. Some people get eat more to for comfort because they feel that, that loss.

So I’m going to ask you at this point to, to listen to your body. And really get attuned to how your body’s feeling with it loss. Sometimes we have habits of picking up a phone or sending them email or whatever to the person who is lost. I would suggest that maybe you continue to write or call in your mind. What would you say in that phone call?

Now my fifth and final point, I guess I had one more because of loss. I invite you to consider having a sit down conversation, imagine that your loved one was sitting down in a chair right next to you. I want you to imagine that with me right now. I want you to just to feel their presence and because you know them, what would they say? What would you want to say? I’d like you to have that imaginary conversation as if it’s happening. What you come to realize is even though they’re gone, they’re still present because your memories with them and because you know them well enough, they will feel they will sense and you will feel and sense what that conversation actually would have been if they were still alive.

These are just some strategies to help you be authentic and real. Through the grieving process.

Thank you for asking this important question and I hope it helps you and many others as they go through this difficult time. May you be blessed?

Hey, thank you for asking your question here on brighter mornings. I’m Dr. Kevin Skinner. I know it’s not easy to reach out for support and help when you’ve when you’ve lost a loved one. So, I thank you for taking the time to, to ask your question and hopefully my response can give you some ideas on, on what to do. First your question your question has to do with,

I lost my spouse to cancer about a year ago. I thought a year later that I would be doing it better than I am. Do you have any suggestions for me?

First of all it’s been a year, and if it’s been a year, my experience is that about our year anniversary or during the anniversaries of when those things happen, where we lose our loved one. That time of the year, sometimes the sounds, the smells the day, can drum up a whole lot of emotion and it wouldn’t surprise me if you’re feeling more of those pains right now because the season is the season that you lost your spouse. And so that’s the first part that I would say to you is it’s often more intense feelings around seasons or times when you’ve lost your loved one. So that’s concept number one.

And the next part of it is, people often say, shouldn’t I be through this. And, actually my experience is that it’s actually not that you’re not going to be through this. That idea of being through something is just not fair to you and fair to people who’ve lost loved ones. The idea of just being through something it means we’re over it or done, it’s done. And, that relationship that you had with your spouse, it’s not something that we finish because they’re gone and they’ve passed on.

That’s not how this world works.

When you love somebody, those feelings are going to be with you and that’s going to bring pains, it’s going to bring hurt. And so it’s very important that you honor those feelings rather than feel like you’re not getting through this. And sometimes people feel like they have to get through it because others are putting pressure on them. It’s you got to be done with this. Move on, start doing X, Y, Z, and I think it’s very valuable for you to step back and honor, wherever you’re at, and the time it’s taking. Nevertheless, as you go through this, there’s maybe times where you think this is overwhelming me, this is too much. If you’re finding that, I think it would be very helpful for you to reach out to a professional and get support. Maybe attend a support group where you can talk with others who’ve lost loved ones and, hear their experiences. Because we know that in groups where people are talking openly, there’s great value in hearing and experiencing what others are going through as well and realizing that you’re not alone anyway. So I would suggest that if it’s, if you’re feeling overwhelmed, please do reach out to others, seek maybe a group support, I think that could be very valuable too.

And then the final part that I’d like to offer today, is because it’s been a year there’s some things as you go through this next year, I’ve actually told people this and they’ve found it helpful, maybe during a time, like now on the day that your spouse died, getting together with family and friends on that day and maybe what I had a friend do is actually get together with their children, spend time celebrating the life of your loved one who’s lost or gone. And, think about pictures and memories and share those memories in this celebration.

And I shared that with a friend and her children have done that and it’s been interesting that they get together and that day is a day where they support each other, strengthen each other. And think of their favorite memories with her lost dad.

That’s just a suggestion. At this time, I wish you the best and thank you for taking time to ask your question here on Brighter Mornings.

May you have Brighter Mornings as you go through this difficult time.

My thoughts are with you and thanks for your question.